Man, Al is really doing a good job, Monday and Tuesday were pretty horrific. Lots of demolition, all the nasty drywall and plaster and 65 year old wool insulation.

I got home Sunday about 2pm.  I was working in another town on the weekend at a clinic, it's about 2 hours from here.  I spent Saturday night there.

So Sunday when I got home I had to MOVE literally everything from my office, the bathroom and the other bedroom in order for demolition to start.

First I had to start with all my work computers.  3 monitors and various hookups and locks and all this other electronic gear, printer scanner, telephone lines---all had to be moved.

At first I told the demo guys to not mess with the internet boxes, but they did anyway---so I had no internet.  And I work from home via a computer---so since Monday I've had to use the hot spot on my telephone for all internet and phone service.

4 days into it,  the home internet says it's linked, but there is no connection, so something must still be out--work internet is only via a cable that doesn't reach. so work internet is offline, too.

I moved to the front porch.  Then I had to move EVERYTHING else that had been stored, shoved and placed in a holding pattern for 2.5 years waiting for a new house.
THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

The window guys are giving me grief about scheduling installation, because I ordered them in time to be installed 01AUG16.   But when your spouse is having an affair and you discover his sexting on 08AUG16, it's hard to wrap your head around any home construction.

And then he drains all the accounts of 49% of all the money.  Without giving notice, just one day, the very next day after my birthday (which he failed to acknowledge) I tried to log on to the bank and was told all the passwords were changed.

His excuse for never making a celebration of my birthday was because his was on Xmas eve, no one ever made a big deal of his birthday, he just got one of his xmas presents renamed as a bday gift.

That's BULL shit!   I-- for 20 years made a big deal of his birthday, I made it special, took him out to his favorite steak restaurant, tried even once to dress in tux and gown and limo--which is hard to arrange on xmas eve.   I always used B-day paper to wrap his gifts and made sure he got plenty of Bday cards from my family and his that I saved and presented all at once on his bday.  But he never cared much for cards.  I eventually stopped the cards.

What did we do for my 50th bday?   My 50th BIG DEAL birthday?

We went to his college reunion, which I was fine with, but he did nothing special, didn't even get me a gift, he took me out to a dinner at a place I made reservations at.  Didn't tell any friends that it was my birthday, didn't get me a silly hat or even a button to wear.
I made the plans to stay at a B&B.  He completely did nothing, no I think I got a card.  I was wrong--when your wife of 15 years turns 50, I guess it only warrants a card.

NO IT DOES NOT!

That was so hurtful, I even brought up a special bottle of champagne, he could have suggested we share it with everyone at the breakfast and have a mimosa or toast me...nope, I had to bring it out later that afternoon and share it with the B&B hosts.


I'm honestly trying to think of anything special or romantic that he did, anything at all that showed he put thought into what I would like or want, vs me just giving him a list.

I can think of a few things: one year he bought me a whole bunch of squirt guns, I had been looking for them to discipline the cats and was having trouble finding them.  He found them. That was one of the best Xmas gifts, or really any gift at all he ever got me.

The other one was a towel calendar.  I collect them and had been giving them to my Aunt for all of my life, she had recently died.

I was certainly surprised with the engagement ring, it was HUGE and beautiful and exactly what I had dreamed of and imagined.  It was lovely, I was so proud to wear it.
I would look at it on my hand and know he loved me.  I loved how when I was in an airplane and the light would stream in the window, it would create rainbows on the wall of the airplane.  I thought that it was some spiritual connection with he fact he was an airline pilot.

I hated how he proposed to me, especially being a very PRIVATE and embarrassed easily person.  He asked me to marry him on his birthday, at his sister's house, with tons of people already knowing he was gonna propose.

I would have much preferred it be a private proposal.  Just something he and I could have shared.

And that was the entire problem with our marriage.  He NEVER felt I was his family, he felt I was his wife.   And to him, his family was always first---but my belief  was that he and I were one, a family, even though we didn't have kids--we were one, best friends, supportive, always a champion of the other, never to speak badly about your husband to others, keep your personal issues personal.

what do I do with that ring now? I still love it, it still represents love to me.  I hated leaving it at home when I went on deployment, can't wear it due to de-gloving injury risks.  And a ship is NOT a place for a huge beautiful ring, so I left it at home for 9 months.  It was one of the first things I wanted to put on when I got back home.

I forgot about getting home from deployment.  He was late to pick me up by several hours, after 9 months apart, he couldn't figure out where or when to get me.
He did have a sign up at the house.  But I wanted someone on the shore to be waiting for me.  Not me stranded on the sand with no way to contact him. OR even know if he was coming to get me. (Before we all had cell phones. ) Damn that hurt.

Again compared to all the planning and decorating and US  flags and special outfits and wanting to make everything perfect when he came back from deployment.

new pipes in crawl space

different view, where sink and vanity will be placed


I met with the plumber, two electricians, the lady at the tile store, and the spray foam insulation guy---all while working full time on jimmy rigged internet.

I'm exhausted, just literally, physically, emotionally, mentally exhausted---but I can't sleep, I woke up at 3 this AM.

I had to go to class tonight then to my Mom's house to shower.
At least I'm clean.

I don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow, I'm just gonna go to bed now.

I was listening to Christian music radio.  Those songs sure do hit an emotionally raw person like me.  It's hard to drive when you are balling like a baby. So do country music songs.  Damn them. 

October 20, 2016

Al and the crew working the roof.


Finally things have started in the last phase of renovation.

However, plans have drastically changed.  My spouse of 16 years has left me for an affair with a married woman w 2 kids in California.  They re-united on Facebook, bitching about their respective bad marriages and it started from there.
She swore to me in a text  in August that she was ashamed, and did not want to have her kids to come from a broken marriage and was gonna stop all contact w Jon.  
She was gonna fix her marriage.
J is an airline pilot and all his trips with overnight stays were to san diego, where she lives.

But the gut is a wise and knowledgable instinct, I have read that the 6th sense, intuition or whatever you call is is actually your soul.
Mine said to me: trust, but verify---in fact, that was a lesson taught to me in residency.  That way, you made sure your patient was always safe and getting the care they needed and deserved.

So I enlisted the help of some seal team friends.
They obtained irrefutable proof that on  9/11/16 neither one of them has any remaining integrity or honor.

I wonder if you can ever regain those characteristics once you loose them?

I've never felt very honorable, however, I do hold strong beliefs about duty and for me, I think honor means keeping your promises, doing what you say you will do.   Siri says: adherence to what is right, to fulfill an obligation, so I suppose my definition is correct.

So now the beach house is all I have.
Maybe it will be done by winter. I hope so.  It was cold here last winter.  And I'm sure I won't be running off to Key West for a week like we did the past 2 years.

We spent close to 70K on architect fees, soil borings, surveyors fees, structural engineers, for naught.  No cool contemporary house will be built. In fact,  I just went to another flood zone meeting this Monday.  If there is not permit in the city by 17FEB17, the opportunity to build on that lot is gonna go away.

Now I spend all my money on therapists, life coaches and shamans.

I gave up drinking any alcohol, because it doesn't make the pain go away.  And amazingly I have lost now over 20#.  I weighed 113# last time I checked, now I'm getting too thin, but that's just from lack of appetite.

I cry everyday, but I have a saying taped to my wall: "Even if I have to cry everyday for a couple of years, its better than having a frozen heart."

"Sometimes when the people you love hurt you the most, it's better to stay quiet because, if your love wasn't enough....Do you think your words will matter?"

But then....
"Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time" Maya Angelou

Talk about mixed messages.


Normal is an illusion, what is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

and then:   We live on a blue planet that circles around a ball of fire next to a moon that moves the sea, and you don't believe in miracles?

Trust is earned, respect is given, and loyalty is demonstrated. Betrayal of any one of those is to lose all three.

God can restore what is broken and change it into something amazing. All you need is faith.

Finally a new entry!

Its March 15th--the Ides of March!

The landscaping has commenced.  They are ripping out the old vines and overgrown bushes and lots of old concrete blocks.

They have trimmed the Live Oaks.

They pulled out all the nasty vines near the trash cans.

They have a dump truck and are putting all the nasty stuff in it.   All the old metal fence posts, concrete parts that held the fence posts---all going away.

YAY!

before




after day #1

28 degrees

It's snowing, lightly, it 5:48 am, I've been awake for an hour.  Outside, it is white and quiet.  The rocks are snow covered and the bay is calm.  The street is still white, no rush hour slush, blissfully absent of cars except for the occasional idiot driving in the snow.

My cats are perched on their electric heated pads, watching out the windows, peering on the snowy beach for any movement.  Will they see an elusive fox?   Or even the feral/stray cat that I feed nightly?  I doubt it, those animals, I hope, are tucked in a warm, dry spot.
Maybe in the insulated box I placed out there under the deck, just for this kind of weather!

My one guy, Cooper, has probably never felt snow before. He is a true Texas boy.  Gavel is snoring.  Basil is asleep.

The bay bridge lights are hidden in the fog and grey sky of the snow.  Not even a flicker.

Today the temps will turn upwards toward the 40s and snow will change to rain.  But for now, it's lovely and quiet.

The warm coffee has helped, I have warmed up.

Porch details

So here are some other porch details, J is at work and likes to look at the blog when he is flying.  So this update is to make him happy.

I bought an old chair frame from a craig's list add--I think I paid $35, because I wanted the spindle chair from the frou-frou fabric store: Calico Corners, but was NOT going to spend $3000. I am NOT kidding  3k......one chair.

So I took it to the upholstery shop and for about 10% of the pricy one, I got a really cool porch chair--I was gonna paint it, but the upholstery guy told me it was at least a 100 yrs old because of the types of screws they used.   And I liked the contrast of the darker wood and the fun cushion pattern.

refurbished antique chair

chandelier for when the dining nook arrives---I think it looks like sand dollars!

curtain tiebacks---J made these out of sailing rope and I made the curtains out of Home Depot Drop cloths!

Very colorful and PERFECT seahorse finial!!

So tomorrow I am going to start painting the outside--at least that is my plan.  I struggled with the color, but think that painting it the same blue as the rest of the house is correct--then I will add a splash of color on the door like before: cantaloupe!

J added the doorbell I bought on ETSY and it was custom made to reflect the Navy blue and Orange accent colors!  I could have gone w a beach theme again, but the little bird just spoke to me.  

the button is lit at night

Finished PARTS

Painted porch, exposed beams, curtains made from drop cloths. 

lamp and dresser were estate sale finds, the dresser I repainted. 

unpainted, but finished exterior--board and batten style

Lovely authentic brass lamp-found in a cool marine store in Annapolis. 

PORCH

In september we started the PORCH renovation. The porch is about 7 1/2 ft x 28 feet.
So about 200 extra sq feet.
Not a bad space.

The intention is to have a sitting and dining area on the porch.

I found a great chair frame on craig's list and I have it at the upholsterers right now.   I picked a beachy fabric for the cushions.

I also found a perfect small dresser, at an estate sale,  that I am about half way finished with the repainting. It is short enough to slip under the window sill.  It will serve as a side table with storage for the sitting area.
Both the chair and this dresser will be a bright yellow.

Today, I picked 12 unique drawer pulls that I'll add to the dresser once it has finished drying. I really like the ones on ETSY made from sea glass, but at 12.50 each--12 would have been pricy.

I found mine at ANTHROPOLOGIE, some were on sale for 2.99.

SO that will be one end of the porch, under a ceiling fan.

The other end has a tall water heater--ugly, but currently necessary.
I found a large teak screen, again at an estate sale, that is hiding it right now.

I also commissioned a wood worker artisan to make a dining bench and trestle table to fit the space; found her on ETSY.  She will build it this winter and deliver it mid January 2016.

it looks like this, but smaller:

This one fits 5 or 6, I asked her to cut it down to fit 4 or 5.

I'll add cushions on the benches too.  They also open and offer storage!


Here are some pix of the actual porch:

beginning of demolition

1/2 way

GUTTED

covered, waiting for windows

spray foam insulation! 

J working on the electrical parts and the bead-board

installation day

view of the beach 

nice new and secure door. 

Installed windows, window sills and head-board!!  Even a new doorbell!


We are still waiting on getting the exterior finished, plan is to have it covered in a board and batten design. But our contractor has had some delays!

The drywall guy is still finishing up the ceiling. I expect he may finish in the next day or so, then we can paint.

There will be LOT to paint. (walls, ceiling, trim on windows that need prime first, the old windows need scraping, reglazing and new trim paint.

In the mean time, I have been adding mulch to my trees to prep for the winter, and painting the exterior wooden fence a teak oil waterproofing stain.

Hopefully soon, we will have a finished porch.