Man, Al is really doing a good job, Monday and Tuesday were pretty horrific. Lots of demolition, all the nasty drywall and plaster and 65 year old wool insulation.

I got home Sunday about 2pm.  I was working in another town on the weekend at a clinic, it's about 2 hours from here.  I spent Saturday night there.

So Sunday when I got home I had to MOVE literally everything from my office, the bathroom and the other bedroom in order for demolition to start.

First I had to start with all my work computers.  3 monitors and various hookups and locks and all this other electronic gear, printer scanner, telephone lines---all had to be moved.

At first I told the demo guys to not mess with the internet boxes, but they did anyway---so I had no internet.  And I work from home via a computer---so since Monday I've had to use the hot spot on my telephone for all internet and phone service.

4 days into it,  the home internet says it's linked, but there is no connection, so something must still be out--work internet is only via a cable that doesn't reach. so work internet is offline, too.

I moved to the front porch.  Then I had to move EVERYTHING else that had been stored, shoved and placed in a holding pattern for 2.5 years waiting for a new house.
THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

The window guys are giving me grief about scheduling installation, because I ordered them in time to be installed 01AUG16.   But when your spouse is having an affair and you discover his sexting on 08AUG16, it's hard to wrap your head around any home construction.

And then he drains all the accounts of 49% of all the money.  Without giving notice, just one day, the very next day after my birthday (which he failed to acknowledge) I tried to log on to the bank and was told all the passwords were changed.

His excuse for never making a celebration of my birthday was because his was on Xmas eve, no one ever made a big deal of his birthday, he just got one of his xmas presents renamed as a bday gift.

That's BULL shit!   I-- for 20 years made a big deal of his birthday, I made it special, took him out to his favorite steak restaurant, tried even once to dress in tux and gown and limo--which is hard to arrange on xmas eve.   I always used B-day paper to wrap his gifts and made sure he got plenty of Bday cards from my family and his that I saved and presented all at once on his bday.  But he never cared much for cards.  I eventually stopped the cards.

What did we do for my 50th bday?   My 50th BIG DEAL birthday?

We went to his college reunion, which I was fine with, but he did nothing special, didn't even get me a gift, he took me out to a dinner at a place I made reservations at.  Didn't tell any friends that it was my birthday, didn't get me a silly hat or even a button to wear.
I made the plans to stay at a B&B.  He completely did nothing, no I think I got a card.  I was wrong--when your wife of 15 years turns 50, I guess it only warrants a card.

NO IT DOES NOT!

That was so hurtful, I even brought up a special bottle of champagne, he could have suggested we share it with everyone at the breakfast and have a mimosa or toast me...nope, I had to bring it out later that afternoon and share it with the B&B hosts.


I'm honestly trying to think of anything special or romantic that he did, anything at all that showed he put thought into what I would like or want, vs me just giving him a list.

I can think of a few things: one year he bought me a whole bunch of squirt guns, I had been looking for them to discipline the cats and was having trouble finding them.  He found them. That was one of the best Xmas gifts, or really any gift at all he ever got me.

The other one was a towel calendar.  I collect them and had been giving them to my Aunt for all of my life, she had recently died.

I was certainly surprised with the engagement ring, it was HUGE and beautiful and exactly what I had dreamed of and imagined.  It was lovely, I was so proud to wear it.
I would look at it on my hand and know he loved me.  I loved how when I was in an airplane and the light would stream in the window, it would create rainbows on the wall of the airplane.  I thought that it was some spiritual connection with he fact he was an airline pilot.

I hated how he proposed to me, especially being a very PRIVATE and embarrassed easily person.  He asked me to marry him on his birthday, at his sister's house, with tons of people already knowing he was gonna propose.

I would have much preferred it be a private proposal.  Just something he and I could have shared.

And that was the entire problem with our marriage.  He NEVER felt I was his family, he felt I was his wife.   And to him, his family was always first---but my belief  was that he and I were one, a family, even though we didn't have kids--we were one, best friends, supportive, always a champion of the other, never to speak badly about your husband to others, keep your personal issues personal.

what do I do with that ring now? I still love it, it still represents love to me.  I hated leaving it at home when I went on deployment, can't wear it due to de-gloving injury risks.  And a ship is NOT a place for a huge beautiful ring, so I left it at home for 9 months.  It was one of the first things I wanted to put on when I got back home.

I forgot about getting home from deployment.  He was late to pick me up by several hours, after 9 months apart, he couldn't figure out where or when to get me.
He did have a sign up at the house.  But I wanted someone on the shore to be waiting for me.  Not me stranded on the sand with no way to contact him. OR even know if he was coming to get me. (Before we all had cell phones. ) Damn that hurt.

Again compared to all the planning and decorating and US  flags and special outfits and wanting to make everything perfect when he came back from deployment.

new pipes in crawl space

different view, where sink and vanity will be placed


I met with the plumber, two electricians, the lady at the tile store, and the spray foam insulation guy---all while working full time on jimmy rigged internet.

I'm exhausted, just literally, physically, emotionally, mentally exhausted---but I can't sleep, I woke up at 3 this AM.

I had to go to class tonight then to my Mom's house to shower.
At least I'm clean.

I don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow, I'm just gonna go to bed now.

I was listening to Christian music radio.  Those songs sure do hit an emotionally raw person like me.  It's hard to drive when you are balling like a baby. So do country music songs.  Damn them.